Katharine and I aren’t particularly close friends but every once in a while we end up in long conversations, sometimes face to face and sometimes online. With her  permission I’ve added the below Skype conversation it to this site.

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09/04/2010

Katharine: Hey Ulla, how are you? I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. Hope you are doing ok, sweetie. big hugs to you both xx

Ulla: thank you for your thoughts – we are better today

Ulla: graham went back to work today after spending the last few days with me

Katharine: I am glad to hear you are doing better

Katharine: how are you feeling today, now that graham has gone back to work?

Ulla: i’ve been ridiculously needy since this happened – actually throughout the pregnancy i felt quite vulnerable in general – gray loved it though – i was extra affectionate lol

Katharine: lol

Katharine: i am sure Graham did love it and probably served to help you guys grow even closer together

Ulla: yes it has

Ulla: he’s realised how easily stress affects me – pity for both of us really

Katharine: it is a very big stress though

Ulla: we both have realised of sensitive we each really are – especially me – with all my tough exterior – my life in general has been hard and it’s bound to have an effect on how i react to things

Ulla: anyway – it’s just another thing to add to the list

Ulla: i found 9 good things about it though 🙂

Ulla: so i keep remembering them every time i get negative about what just happened

Katharine: That’s good that you make a list

Ulla: i must also keep reminding myself though that there are still a lot of weird hormones in my body and if i get all teary or weepy then it’s normal and i must just go ahead and feel what i must feel

Ulla: the cramps and bleeding seemed to have subsided since last night – thank goodness – that was NOT nice at all!

Katharine: yes i think you must allow yourself to feel what you need to feel so that in time you can grow stronger

Katharine: aah shame hun 🙁

Ulla: in a way, those physical symptoms were actually distracting me from the emotional side – or at least dulling it a bit – which is a good thing too actually

Ulla: we buried the little foetus on Monday – under a big tree in a forest close to us

Ulla: i hope a dog doesn’t go dig it up!!

Katharine: aah wow that must have been so hard

Ulla: yeah it wasn’t nice but it’s better than flushing it down the loo

Ulla: i put it in a matchbox with some cotton wool and put the box in the black velvet bag our wedding rings came in

Katharine: ah that’s sweet

Katharine: it’s amazing that babies start out so tiny

Ulla: we saw it’s little fingers and toes

Ulla: the toes looked the same as the fingers at that stage lol

Ulla: and its belly was still quite big – so i think it didn’t go past about 9 weeks even though i was 11 weeks when the miscarriage happened

Ulla: the worst part Katharine is that it’s head was missing – it must have come off when it ejected or perhaps long before, don’t know – part of me is glad because it almost proves that there was something wrong with it physically – but also it was horrible to see it like that

Katharine: oh my goodness

Katharine: sometimes we need to trust that these things happen for a reason

Katharine: even though it is so incredibly hard 🙁

Ulla: i’m also sort of glad i didn’t see it’s ‘face’ – although gray said he could see its eyes  in the scan when we were at the A&E

Ulla: yes i know – on the whole – looking at the bigger picture i feel that this was better when considering all other circumstances we were dealing with – i just feel a little cheated out of time

Katharine: do you feel like you have some closure about it?

Ulla: well yes, sort of.  seeing the foetus and burying it helped.  also staying off work the last few days have helped me cope too – and resting and researching and crying and talking and all of that helped

Ulla: i know that i will probably be more ‘worried’ next time i’m pregnant

Katharine: shame, my friend miscarried last year and she is now pregnant again and i know she has also been anxious

Ulla: i was surprisingly happy about this pregnancy – for someone who ‘never wanted children’… it changed my life – i can’t believe how much it changed everything in my brain

Katharine: but i think she is trying to make peace with in and trust that what will be will be

Katharine: aah that’s so sweet…

Ulla: although i must admit – my emotional side is desperate to get pregnant sooner so that i can know whether it’s ok or not –

Ulla: i don’t have time to have 2 or 3 miscarriages!!

Ulla: i want to know that it’s ok – and the only way i’ll know is to go through it and see it to the grand finale lol

Katharine: yeah i understand

Ulla: there’s a lot of logic in waiting

Ulla: good the miscarriage didn’t happen any later than this

Ulla: i will probably never see easter in the same way again though!

Katharine: aah shame, my friend 🙁

Ulla: despite the emotions and the weird feelings of guilt and freaked-out-ness

Ulla: we actually couldn’t really afford it just yet

Katharine: why do you feel guilty?

Ulla: they say you will never feel that you can afford it, but i really think we would have had to take out a loan or something just to survive – plus i wouldn’t have been earning much on maternity pay

Ulla: feel guilty about the small part of me that feels ok about it – i feel guilty about the half glass of wine i had on the day i miscarried – i feel guilty about the moving heavy furniture i did on thursday and friday before it happened

Katharine: I think it is important that a small part of you feels ok about it – that’s your coping mechanism kicking into play

Ulla: i feel guilty about all the paracetemols and suppositories and lactullose i took during pregnancy (although i had no choice, there were some nasty painful excrushiating problems there)

Ulla: i feel guilty that i’m glad i won’t have as serious bowel issues now that i’m not pregnant anymore

Ulla: thank you for chatting about this Katharine – i’m sure you’re very busy – judging by your ‘not available’ sign on skype lol

Ulla: how are you these days?

Katharine: aah it’s no problem Ulla. You’ve been through a really hard time and I care about you guys!

Ulla: how are your studies coming along?

Katharine: I am sure the guilt will come to pass. try to let it go though as it is very destructive and you can’t blame yourself

Katharine: I am ok thanks. Studies going well, just taking forever

–topic moved on from there–