Below are two conversations between me and my dear friend Lisa, published with her kind permission of course.  There are two conversations, one while I was still pregnant and one after the miscarriage.  In the first conversation we chatted about the attempt of my then-boss to make me redundant soon after I told her I was pregnant…

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17/03/2010

Ulla: http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/9-weeks-pregnant.html

Ulla: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it’s apparently starting to move now although i won’t be able to feel it – and it’s grown nipples already!  and it’s the size of an olive!  and this is the week it will start to develop girly or boy bits!

Lisa: oh how exciting, are you going to find out the sex later? I forget if I’ve asked

Ulla: yes we probably will

Lisa: well, I mean before the birth 😉

Ulla: lol

Ulla: of course

Lisa: he he

—other topics discussed here—

Ulla: i’ve been a bit cloudy lately

Lisa: lol

Ulla: can you believe my boss wants to make me redundant

Ulla: i’m meeting with her tomorrow again to discuss it more

Lisa: oh wow

Lisa: Do you have any info on it yet? Or will you hear everything tomorrow?

Ulla: nope

Ulla: but i’ve done loads of research

Lisa: well certainly not after getting that news!

Ulla: been to the citizens advice bureau in person – they were even more sleepy than me though!!

Ulla: got more help from Acas or whatever they’re called

Ulla: over the telephone

Lisa: what do they all say then? I mean, she must be saying that the work isn’t there which means that they can’t replace you

Lisa: for a period of time… a year or something i think

Ulla: she’s talking crap – there’s plenty work – but she just wants to save money

Ulla: she doesn’t want to pay my salary anymore

Lisa: maybe you can get her to pay you out and give you notice, and then it would all work out

Ulla: no

Ulla: payout is not very high

Ulla: and it’s only a week’s notice in my case due to length of service

Lisa: Oh right. If it goes through it will be a bit tough financially, but at least you will get more holiday time before baby 🙂

Ulla: hello -i’m seven months away from giving birth

Ulla: that’s a bit too much of a break…

Lisa: Yes, much more holiday time

Lisa: Perhaps you can find some temp work in the meantime?

Ulla: i want the 1st six weeks of 90% salary though

Ulla: won’t get that if i finish

Ulla: sooner

Lisa: I thought you were resigning before going on maternity leave though?

Ulla: yep – in september… six months from now

Lisa: If you resign before going on maternity leave do they still have to pay you the 6 weeks salary at 90%

Ulla: yeah but only i’f i’m still there 15 weeks before my baby is due

Lisa: Oh I see

Ulla: anyway – i’ve appealed to her to not go through with it – let’s see what tomorrow brings

Lisa: Well I hope it goes well

Ulla: yeah me too..

Lisa: Did you resign already by the way for Sep? Or just mention that you were going to? It seems weird your boss bothering with all the redundancy; what a cow

Ulla: i agree

Ulla: i verbally said i’d resign in september

Ulla: then when we spoke this monday i reminded her that i’m resigning anyway and what’s the point in going through the admin of redundancy

Ulla: maybe she’ll change her mind – i hope so – it’s so unnecessary

Lisa: I hope so too.

Lisa: Sorry to hear this is going on, how stressful

Ulla: tell me about it – i’m not impressed

Ulla: some good news though

Lisa: mm?

Ulla: gray said the bank has officially started the move to make him permanent

Lisa: Oh very good, well that will certainly help with the finances> Does he know when it would go through?

Ulla: about a month

Lisa: Oh good quite soon then

Ulla: he’s alredy planning the iMac iPad and next camera 🙁

Lisa: lol tell him to start planning baby 😉

Ulla: we’re due to set some time aside this weekend to budget

Ulla: and move stuff in the flat around – to see if we need to move or not

Ulla: i’m on a bit of a vinegar mission at the moment

Ulla: had some olives earlier and on gerkins now

Lisa: mm sounds nice. Guess baby wants that vinegar

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03/05/2010

Lisa: hio!

Lisa: ah sorry to see you have a sick skypie picture 🙁

Ulla: i’m sore and really don’t feel like going out

Ulla: graham’s gone to get my meds from the hospital

Lisa: oh okay

Lisa: so have you started on them yet or is he getting the first batch?

Ulla: i’ve started on them yesterday

Ulla:  but they didn’t have enough for the three weeks that i’m supposed to take them

Ulla: so they only gave me one for last night and one for this morning

Ulla: i have all the other meds already

Ulla: i’m on two antibiotics and some progesterone

Lisa: good at least you have already started, hopefully it means a shorter time till you are all better

Ulla: i’m a wreck Lisa

Ulla: i’ve had enough of all this crap

Lisa: my pill is progesterone, i should have given you a couple of packs weeks ago if we’d known:) Only kidding, i am sure the stuff you are getting is tailored differently

Lisa: I am sure you are fed up! Being ill is awful. Are you still going for your appointment for the other thing?

Ulla: yes i am – i have a scan on wednesday and possibly an ECG too (unrelated to this but related to when i was pregnant)

Lisa: how awful. especially on top of all the emotional stuff, to be so sick for so long as well

Lisa: i am really sorry you are having all these problems

Ulla: i’m pissed off with all this crap

Ulla: i’ve had enough of everything!

Lisa: how long do they say before you are better?

Ulla: the progesterone is supposed to stop the bleeding and i’m supposed to take it 3 a day initially, then for three weeks in decreasing quantities

Ulla: then after i stop it i’m supposed to start bleeding again within a few days

Ulla: i’m taking the two antibiotics for a week

Ulla: hospital says that if there’s still stuff in there visible in the scan on Wednesday then i may need to do a D&C

Ulla: but everyone’s all hesitant to do that

Lisa: i know there are risks associated with having one

Ulla: i’m not too keen on one either actually – it’s a blind procedure – in other words, they don’t have any way of seeing what they’re doing when they’re scraping around inside you – no scan, no inside camera, nothing but knowledge of where they’re scraping – and there is a risk of damaging things

Lisa: ah got to love the nhs

Lisa: so are you off work tomorrow?

Ulla: now i’m at a point where i don’t know whether the progesterone and antibiotics are worse or whether the D&C is worse!

Ulla: they each have their own set of side effects

Ulla: i am cramping again now and i don’t know what to think! the whole time i was in hospital i was absolutely fine! now of course, when i ‘m home, the bleeding has increased (although not gushing) and i have cramps!  i just called them and asked what to do and they said just take a paracetomol and see what happens…. grrrrrrrrrr i don’t want to go back to hospital and be tested and i don’t want to wait and watch this get worse again

Lisa: what does the cramping mean? what might happen?

Lisa: have they told you what the risks are?

Lisa: or what might happen anyway?

Ulla: the cramps might be from the antibiotics

Ulla: the heavier bleeding might be the last bits getting flushed out

Lisa: ok so maybe in a certain light its a good thing

Ulla: or it might be the drugs not working and my body still freaking out

Lisa: if it gets cleared out you might not need a d&c

Ulla: i don’t know Lisa – i just don’t know – i thought i was all over this until wednesday

Ulla: why would it suddenly do that? i’m not exaggerating when i say gushes

Ulla: i’m talking a forced gush – like it’s pushing from somewhere – and it’s about a cup of blood each time

Lisa: did they do an exam when you were in hospital to make sure that you have not torn anything?

Ulla: maybe that’s normal for the medical industry, but it’s not at all ‘ok’ with me

Ulla: yes, i’ve had so many of those gynae inspections, blood tests and pressure/temperature checks over the last week it’s ridiculous

Ulla: basically apparently i’m fine

Ulla: well – you know what, maybe i am – but it’s freaking me out

Ulla: i think the build up of everything is just too much for me

Ulla: need i mention that as i’m typing this i have a burning arse as usual

Lisa: are they still seeing you for that too?

Ulla: plus i’m trying to job hunt and be normal through all this

Ulla: fuck it man

Lisa: probably the cramps are aggravating things

Ulla: yes i have an appointment on the 14th of May

Ulla: but i bet you he’ll say ” wait til the progesterone is over or until all the miscarriage symptoms have cleared and we’ll take it from there”

Ulla: that may be best but i just want to be better!

Ulla: it doesn’t help that i’m highly emotional and hormonal – and probably seen as a drama queen or something

Ulla: i feel like an old lady – one thing after the next

Ulla: did i tell you about the tight chest and pains down my arm while i was pregnant?

Lisa: is that what the ecg is for?

Ulla: yep

Ulla: i described it to the gynae and he said to see my gp – who said he’ll ask the nurses to schedule an ECG

Ulla: i’ll probably be fine there too

Ulla: maybe i am a hypocondriac

Ulla: i don’t think so though

Lisa: i think when one thing goes wrong sometimes everything snowballs

Lisa: are you off work this week?

Ulla: no

Ulla: but my boss knows about Friday – and the first thing she said is: are you going to take it as a half day or what?

Lisa: glad you are job hunting!

Ulla: all about money

Lisa: maybe you should quit and then take a few weeks off to recover and look for a new job at your leisure

Lisa: the commute has to be killing you anyway

Ulla: during that week after my miscarriage when i was booked off sick they’re only paying me three days at ssp rate – not even one day of compassionate or full day pay.

Ulla: i was off for 5 days

Ulla: i just had a ‘break’ during that week after my miscarriage

Lisa: i mean one where you feel healthy and can relax. the mental toll of this whole thing might make you feel run down for weeks to come

Ulla: yes i know

Ulla: somethibng that wil be ok to have half a brain with when i’m pregnant again

Ulla: something that i can quit very easily when it’s time to have my baby

—other topics discussed—

Ulla: gray just called he says he’s getting a migraine

Lisa: oh shame, looks like an early night for you guys

Ulla: he’s been stressing as much as me lately

Lisa: Maybe you guys can plan a little holiday somewhere in the summer to take your mind off things and to have something positive to dwell on

Ulla: well we’re going away for a long weekend in may

Lisa: cool where to?

Ulla: it’s only four days but better than nothing

Ulla: devon i think

Ulla: or cornwall, can’t remember

—other topics discussed—

05/05/2010

Lisa: hi there

Lisa: how did it all go?

Ulla: hiya

Ulla: well the ECG i think is normal – although the doctor hadn’t seen it yet while i was there

Ulla: the scan today found ‘product’ still inside me

Ulla: they will be sending me for a D&C on Monday

Ulla: however

Ulla: i think i may have just passed it…?

Ulla: i just had some very thick clotted blood come out when i went to the loo now

Ulla: (apparently on the scan they cannot tell whether it’s tissue or blood)

Lisa: oh hi! been snoozing away on the couch”

Lisa: Perhaps you will see if things improve from today

Ulla: sorry Lisa – had more cramps and clots again tonight so had to deal with that – going to bed now

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