Anthea S, South Africa

First time pregnant

My story starts 6 months after getting married when I husband and I decided to start trying for a family.  We both love children so it was an easy decision to make.  We were fortunate to have conceived within 3 months of making the decision.  We were ecstatic, no doubt.  Naturally the furthest thing from our minds was the possibility that we would not be seeing the pregnancy through.

When things started going wrong

At about 5 weeks (I was 4 weeks when I did my test) I started with a bloody discharge.  Still I did not think of miscarriage, I just thought I may have some sort of infection which some meds would clear up.  I went to my pharmacist who suggested I call my gynaecologist immediately, which I did.  The news was not what an expectant mom wants to hear:  there was no longer a heartbeat.  I was told to wait a week and then go for a D&C (womb scrape).

What happened after the miscarriage

I experienced a lot of pain before going for the D&C and afterwards the pain was over but the bleeding was a constant reminder of my little person who I would not get to hold.

The D&C showed that the neck of my womb had torn.  My gynae was most sympathetic but encouraged me to try to get pregnant again within 3 months.

The second pregnancy

This time, I’m thinking “What’re the chances I would lose my baby again.  Surely this time it would be fine.”  I did feel a little anxious about possibly losing this baby too but decided to give that little soul the benefit of the doubt.

The second miscarriage

Unfortunately, that little one was also not made for this world and left at week 8 of my pregnancy.  This time, I did not experience pain while miscarrying but tremendous pain after my D&C.  I remember sitting in the bath crying with physical pain.  The emotional pain is not something one can explain at all.  The disappointment was so much to bear.

This time around my pregnancy was a Molar Pregnancy.  Apparently a Molar Pregnancy acts like a cancer.  Not that I had cancer at all.  I had to go for blood tests for 3 months after because apparently with a pregnancy like that the body can still show up as pregnant on blood tests.  I was also advised not to fall pregnant for at least 6 months after this pregnancy because apparently if I did I would be at higher risk of cervical cancer.  I went for a second opinion by this time.  I thought a woman doctor might be more helpful but she made me believe that I did have cancer and would die.  Thank God I went back to my original gynae who called other doctors in Switzerland while I was sitting in his office to assure me that just the pregnancy was cancerous and that within 6 months I would be fine to try again.  By this time I just wanted to give up on ever having a child of my own.  I figured we could just adopt but my doctor motivated me to try just one more time.  He said to leave it in Gods hands and not in medicine’s hands.

The third pregnancy – and live birth

Well, seven months later we were pregnant again.  We were afraid to get excited again but deep down in my heart I knew that this time, this was it.  Nine months later, a healthy, beautiful baby boy was born.  At my 12 week check up I was advised to go for an umbilical cord test which I declined because there is a 1% chance of miscarriage after that.  That 1% felt to me like 100%!  I was also told that the chances of this baby being normal was extremely low because my miscarriages had been for different reasons and could be an indication that I am not conceiving normal babies. They said it was nature’s way of getting rid of them but sometimes they “slip” through.  Well, what I can I say…. First team Cricket and rugby.  In the top 10 in his class, going for WP colours for karate on Saturday.  Now what’s not normal about that?

The fourth pregnancy – and third miscarriage

Anyway… a year after Camryn was born we discovered that I was pregnant again.  Not planned this time.   I remember straight after I did my test I started crying.  I knew I wasn’t going to keep this baby.  How I knew I don’t know but at 11 weeks I lost that little one too.  They called it “self/spontaneous abortion”.  I hate that word, apparently the body pulls the baby apart limb for limb.

This loss was the worst for me.  I think because this time I felt like I knew what I was missing.  I had so much joy from Camryn and surely would have loved to experience it all again.  I always felt that that would have been my daughter.

What happened after the miscarriage

I ended up on antidepressants for a while after that.  Not long though and I chucked them and just focused on the beautiful kids I do have in my life (my nieces, nephews and friends children).  I often watch the kids as they play and think how easily they could not have been here.  How different our lives would be without them.

How I’ve coped with it

My loss was not in vain.  I refuse for it to be.  I have learnt to appreciate the lives of others just that much more because of my little angels who did not make it into this world.  They were with me for a short time to teach me.  Also, my heavenly Father has ensured that my place is perfect for me when I get called home.  He knows I love nothing more than being a mom so he has ensured I have my own 3 angels for me when I get there.  One day we will be together.  In the meantime, I remember their expected due dates as their birthdays and always send up a special kiss to Heaven.  I am still their mother and they are my babies.  That’s just the way it is.